Day 3…. slightly later today but here nonetheless. Fancy joining in on the 300 a day challenge?! Email me: josue[@]pixelscoop.net

I’m angry at God for not existing. I should rephrase. I’m angry at myself for being angry at the fact that I seem entirely incapable of allowing myself to believe for a millisecond that God might exist somewhere. Because if I believed it, then I’d be more convincing when I was telling him. I would be more convincing when I am telling him that she’s in Heaven with God. I would be entirely more believable when I tell him that if he closes his eyes and concentrates really hard that he can still speak to her even though she can’t speak back like she used to.

I mean, he believes me. He does. But one day he won’t. One day he will be able to look into my eyes and tell that I don’t believe what I am saying to him. And then what will he think? Will he think I’m the misguided fool for not believing? Or will he follow me into a mindset that all who have passed are just gone and when it’s done, it’s done? Cos life isn’t a video game, is it? You don’t fall down, cue the cheesy music and then spring back to life again. It’s not about second chances, second lives, second opportunities to say the things you didn’t say the first time round.

And if God did exist and if I believed, for a moment, that when my time’s up I’d just move along into the next room and I’d see her again, I wouldn’t have to kick myself every single day of my life for the short sentences I just could not say aloud when I had the chance.

“Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the most beautiful and precious gift that anyone has ever given me. I forgive you its late arrival.”